Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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