the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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