Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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