My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
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That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
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I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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