i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
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He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
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And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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