you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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