I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Randomize
