awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
He kissed a someone with a penis
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I have already put on my inside pants.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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