I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
