you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
