rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
