last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
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The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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