your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
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