I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
