At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
