I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
