i was born a porn star she said
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
