I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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