So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
