she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
