I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
