he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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