wrigley field is MILF paradise
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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