Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Randomize
