I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
