I smell stomach acid.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
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