I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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