I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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