If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
