i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
