I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
