This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
