I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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