Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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