I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
