I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
