That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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