just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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