Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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