So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
