Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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