i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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