Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
