Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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