it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
