So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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