I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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