My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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