I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize