some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
