My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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