when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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