Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
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