Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
