just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
