your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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