I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
